An anonymous woman referred to as Grace went on a date with Aziz Ansari, an actor, writer and comedian of note, and male feminist. The couple returned to Ansari's apartment. Unfortunately Grace did not enjoy herself. Sadly, it was probably difficult for Ansari to be sure that Grace wasn't enjoying herself as she engaged in a number of sex acts multiple times with Mr. Ansari. You can read her entire LONG account here if you are so inclined.
The summary is that by Grace's retelling Ansari was an inattentive and pushy partner. Ansari ordered the wrong wine at the restaurant; Grace's joy lessened from there. Per Grace, Ansari was overeager for what many heterosexual men and women would consider the main event. She declined that. Ansari didn't recognize Grace's non-verbal cues that she wanted to move more slowly. Ansari made requests. Grace claimed she felt compelled to comply with them. Grace harshly describes many of Ansari's sexual idiosyncrasies or boudoir moves which offended her. Grace was irritated at Ansari's repeated and insistent requests to do that last thing. Finally she left the premises. Ansari offered a qualified defense/apology for anything he may have done wrong:
“In September of last year, I met a woman at a party. We exchanged numbers. We texted back and forth and eventually went on a date. We went out to dinner, and afterwards we ended up engaging in sexual activity, which by all indications was completely consensual. “The next day, I got a text from her saying that although ‘it may have seemed okay,’ upon further reflection, she felt uncomfortable. It was true that everything did seem okay to me, so when I heard that it was not the case for her, I was surprised and concerned. I took her words to heart and responded privately after taking the time to process what she had said.
There are a multitude of verbal and non-verbal cues that men and women use when they are engaged in or about to engage in intimacy. We all know that. We also know that no one can read minds. It is incumbent upon adults, both men and women, to speak up and say what they like and don't like, what they will do and won't do, what they want and don't want. No one should expect the other person to have ESP. If person A asks person B to do something and person B does that thing that doesn't mean person A was a bad person for asking or accepting the "yes" from person B. In a sign that even some feminists are realizing that attempting to place every awkward or unpleasant interaction between men and women under a "rape culture" rubric is a bad idea, Ashleigh Banfield, a journalist and feminist, read Grace the proverbial riot act:
During her show on Tuesday, Banfield read an email she said she received from Katie Way, the reporter who broke the Ansari story, after Banfield delivered a monologue on Monday saying the article endangered the #MeToo movement against sexual harassment and sexism. "Ashleigh, someone who I am certain nobody under the age of 45 has ever heard of, I hope the 500 retweets on the single news write-up made that burgundy-lipstick, bad-highlights, second-wave-feminist has-been really relevant for a little while," Banfield read from Way's email. Banfield said she wanted to share the email "because if you truly believe in the #MeToo movement, if you truly believe in women's rights, if you truly believe in feminism, the last thing you should do is attack someone in an ad hominem way for her age — I'm 50 — and for my highlights."
But that's not really important. What is important is that Banfield's open letter shows that there is still support for objective standards and charges supported by evidence. Without that we're lost as a society. Grace didn't know what she wanted. She changed her mind throughout her encounter with Ansari. And that is fine. No one is ever obligated to be intimate with anyone. We can make a different decision any time before an activity commences or even during various activities. And that's ok. The other person might be disappointed but that's too bad. We own our own bodies. We set the rules. No means no. For everyone.
Grace's account paints herself as passive. Grace takes no responsibility for anything, not even when Ansari is providing her a certain sex act. If a "yes" can no longer be understood to mean "yes" then we are saying that women are not adults. I reject that. If we head down that path we'll be like Saudi Arabia or other countries. That is undesirable. Women are adults. They can make their own decisions. Sometimes those decisions won't work out for the best. But that's part of being an adult. You take ownership of mistakes, learn from them and grow. If Grace can't be trusted to make her own decisions about intimacy, then who in the world can?
